The Absolutely Funniest Stories About Sex Toys (Xmas Edition!)

Last year, we asked our readers to share the funniest experiences they’d had using our sex toys. Some stories sound fake, some are pretty hilarious, and all of them come with a hefty dose of cringe-inducing wincing alongside the chuckles.

Here are the best and funniest stories about sex toys, all nicely wrapped up in our Xmas blog post edition.

Brent, Auckland:

“I bought the remote-control vibrating panties for my wife, and timed it so that the package would arrive on Christmas Eve. This left me plenty of time to wrap up the box and place it under the family tree. It really helped that Cinder delivers over the holidays, as it gives me the chance to dodge all the crowds at the mall. At 5 a.m. on Christmas morning, I heard laughter coming from downstairs. I ran downstairs to the living room, only to find my 6 year old daughter trying on my wife’s vibrating panties gift, and playing with the remote control – she thought it was some kind of cartoon outfit. I was bloody lucky the batteries weren’t installed yet."

I will say this much though, always keep personal presents separate – especially when your kid can’t read labels yet!

Dianne, Napier:

“I always travel with the cute pink waterproof mini-finger vibrator (don’t judge!) in my luggage. I was passing through the airport security check when they stopped me to look inside my carry-on. They had seen something suspicious in one of the side pockets and promptly decided to rummage around there. Of course, it was my little mini-finger and I really don’t know who was more embarrassed when they pulled it out – me or the airport security drone who thrust it into the air with a flourish. I honestly think they thought I was smuggling something dodgy. Turns out, they should’ve spent more time online shopping for sex toys, because the guy turned as pink as my vibrator as he quickly dropped it back into my bag and ushered me through the check.”

Melody, Whangarei:

“My partner and I like it a bit rough and naughty, and because we don’t have kids yet, we bought the Complete Bondage Kit Deluxe – the one with all the bells and whistles. Fetish-wise, it’s the ideal long-term fetish gear for an adventurous couple. We have a little terrier dog that we love very much, and maybe we should have thought this through more, but we made the dog’s name our safe word. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this but sure enough, my husband was tied up on our bed and needed out for some reason. I had gone through to the kitchen to pour myself a wine, and had left the door open. My husband was calling out ‘Snoopy, Snoopy!’ from the bedroom and, of course, our dog Snoopy launched himself onto the bed and began licking my husband’s junk. His voice changed from calling out to screaming for help in a millisecond. And I came rushing into the bedroom thinking there was an emergency of some kind, only to have to shoo Snoopy off the bed.”

Melissa, Nelson:

I’ll keep this brief. NEVER wear a wire boned corset and try to walk through a security check.”

Martin, Christchurch:

“I learnt last Christmas, to never buy one of those giant economy size rolls of gift wrap. It means that every single present you wrap ends up looking the same. Last Christmas, I waited until the last minute to wrap all the presents I had bought for my family and my girlfriend. I chucked them all into the car, and made my way to my parents’ house for the annual family Christmas shindig. When I got there, my girlfriend was tapping her foot with impatience on the doorstep and looking at her smartphone to check the time. She hates to be left alone with my family when I’m not there to field off their more personal questions, especially the ones where my mother always asks when we’re going to give her grandkids.

Anyway, long story short, I hadn’t labelled the presents and had to hand them out to everyone gauging on the size and shape. So, my girlfriend got my mother’s gift of a charm bracelet – all nicely packed in a jewel box - and my mother unwrapped the naughty but nice gift I bought for my girl. Don’t get me wrong, I had also bought my girlfriend other presents, but I like to add a few stocking fillers into the mix for a laugh. What did my mum unwrap, I bet you’re asking yourselves? It was one of those mega-size packets of flavoured condoms you guys sell. I had accidentally put it in the car before I left home, instead of leaving it under my pillow for later.

I had the choice between telling my mother the gift was a joke and getting the stare from hell, or confessing to her that my girlfriend and I were using protection because we didn’t plan on having kids, and getting the stare from hell…

I chose to dodge the bullet entirely and say the condoms were for my single-and-looking brother. And my mum got the present I had bought for my girl, a lovely necklace. Afterwards, everyone kept asking me why I was sweating so much and maybe a should stay off the red wine.”

The Cinder Team wish you all a very happy holiday season, and a fantastic New Year!